Horhog, or: How To Picnic Like A Mongolian

Hello, people in places other than Mongolia! Fall is here, and that means the last days of picnic weather are upon us. What? You mean you’re all picnicked out? Well, what you need is to spice your picnic life up a bit, shake things up. You could, for example, try having a Mongolian picnic. What’s a Mongolian picnic, you ask? Buckle your seat-belt and grab the nearest farm animal, kids, it’s about to get bloody up in this joint.

Step 1: Choose a Location.
Here is good:
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Here is also good:
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Step 2: Get Some Meat.

You’re going to need at least half a sheep or goat, more if you have more than a few people. +5 Mongolian points if you transport your meat still kicking to your chosen picnic location. +10 Mongolian points if you cut a hole in it’s stomach, stick your entire arm in, and pull its aorta through the hole so that you kill it without spilling blood.

Step 3: Butcher Animal.

Separate out your organs and your standard meat. Feel free to use your meal’s hide as a built-in plate.
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Throw your bowl of organs into a pot with some water and some seasoning, and cook. +5 Mongolian points if you stuff the colon with the intestines.
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Want a close-up? HERE YOU GO.
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For extra flair, have your co-worker blowtorch your meal’s head for reasons no one is entirely clear on.
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Step 4: Appetizers

While your bowl of organs (read: lunch) cooks, start with some snacks. Use this time to brainstorm all the ways you can get out of eating kidneys.
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Step 5: Lunch.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Step 6: Prep Your Not-Organ Meat.

Throw that shit in a giant pot with some water, hot stones, potatoes, and carrots. Put it over a fire. Walk away.

Step 7: Entertain Yourself.

Play some volleyball, for example.
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Have a vodka-drinking circle.
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Go fishing. Get roped into a Korean drinking game, the rules of which you don’t understand beyond “some people are dogs, some people are amoebas.” Find a cow.
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Find a cow with eyebrows.
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Go on a hike.
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Climb some mountains.
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Play on random mountain obstacle courses made of safe things like Pieces Of Metal Stapled To Rock Faces and Old Cars.
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Take a lot of selfies with your Korean friends.
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And just generally enjoy yourself.

Step 8: Get Ready To Eat The Horhog

Pull your pot off the fire and remove everything with tongs. Make sure all the people in your party handle the hot stones, because “good for health.”
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Step 9: EAT THE HORHOG

With your hands.
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Step 10: Do It Again Next Weekend.

Because it’s awesome.

The End.

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5 thoughts on “Horhog, or: How To Picnic Like A Mongolian

  1. Interesting…

    And how strange that my first though on seeing the butchered sheep as “Hey – that looks like a really cool fleece! I could have totally used that on my spinning wheel or hand spindle!

    My second thought was ” Wow. I always though Mongolia was Steppes and Desert!”

    -Kurt

  2. I’m still laughing, Tina, great story! Apart from Mongolean’s, who else like kidneys? OK, my mother eats everything, especially with bones 😉 Heinz

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