Hello, people in places other than Mongolia! Fall is here, and that means the last days of picnic weather are upon us. What? You mean you’re all picnicked out? Well, what you need is to spice your picnic life up a bit, shake things up. You could, for example, try having a Mongolian picnic. What’s a Mongolian picnic, you ask? Buckle your seat-belt and grab the nearest farm animal, kids, it’s about to get bloody up in this joint.
You’re going to need at least half a sheep or goat, more if you have more than a few people. +5 Mongolian points if you transport your meat still kicking to your chosen picnic location. +10 Mongolian points if you cut a hole in it’s stomach, stick your entire arm in, and pull its aorta through the hole so that you kill it without spilling blood.
Step 3: Butcher Animal.
Separate out your organs and your standard meat. Feel free to use your meal’s hide as a built-in plate.
Throw your bowl of organs into a pot with some water and some seasoning, and cook. +5 Mongolian points if you stuff the colon with the intestines.
Want a close-up? HERE YOU GO.
For extra flair, have your co-worker blowtorch your meal’s head for reasons no one is entirely clear on.
Step 4: Appetizers
I don’t want to talk about it.
Step 6: Prep Your Not-Organ Meat.
Throw that shit in a giant pot with some water, hot stones, potatoes, and carrots. Put it over a fire. Walk away.
Step 7: Entertain Yourself.
Play some volleyball, for example.
Have a vodka-drinking circle.
Go fishing. Get roped into a Korean drinking game, the rules of which you don’t understand beyond “some people are dogs, some people are amoebas.” Find a cow.
Find a cow with eyebrows.
Go on a hike.
Climb some mountains.
Play on random mountain obstacle courses made of safe things like Pieces Of Metal Stapled To Rock Faces and Old Cars.
Take a lot of selfies with your Korean friends.
And just generally enjoy yourself.
Step 8: Get Ready To Eat The Horhog
Step 9: EAT THE HORHOG
Step 10: Do It Again Next Weekend.
Because it’s awesome.