In many ways, I don’t consider myself a (stereo)typical American. I speak another language, for example. I think war is silly and social health care is awesome. Guns and social conservatives scare me. Religious figures and meatloaf make me uncomfortable. But in one respect I am very, very American, and that is that I will talk to anyone.
Babies. Dogs. Trees. Tiny humans. Old humans. Humans in costume. Things that look like humans but aren’t. Strangers on the bus. Strangers on the train. Strangers on the plane. Strangers on the street. Strangers on bikes. Strangers with hair/makeup/clothing/shoes that I find admirable. It’s my superpower, my hobby, my greatest travel skill. In fact, I am so overenthusiastic about talking to people–and so clueless as to the possible consequences–that (as anyone who has ever traveled with me has soon discovered) I will talk myself into trouble in a heartbeat. Courtesy of sub-par language skills, I have accidentally told 15-year-olds that I would have sex with them and agreed to go on dates with mariachi musicians, narcos, and old men who want to go mushroom hunting. On occasion, I have been known to be so busy assuming the basic goodness of everyone around me that I have almost gotten tear-gassed.
So knowing this about me, you can see why I thought joining OKCupid would be a great idea.
“Dear Tina, WHY. Love, everyone.” Well everyone, I’ll tell you. After a few weeks in London, I still didn’t really have any friends and I wanted an excuse to get out of my room and talking to people. And yes, I’ve been single for a year and a half at this point, so I though “Why not?” If something comes of it, cool. If nothing comes of it, well, at least I got out of my room and talking to people.
Before I joined OKCupid, my criteria for talking to someone began at “not a douche” and ended at “has all their own teeth,” with the last one being fairly negotiable. OKCupid, however, has forced me to come up with a very long, very sad list of reasons not to talk to people. As the social equivalent of a 12-week-old puppy, this has made me a bit depressed, but the necessity is there and the struggle is real.
Welcome to Tina’s Arbitrary OKCupid Automatic Rejection List, Part I of many.
1) No one-word messages.
If you’re only going to message me one word, it had better be a pretty damn awesome word.
Actually, I was thinking more like “Xenomorph” or “Frigoriphic” or “Homunculus.”
2) No shirtless pics
Put it away, dude. Just put it away.
On second thought, maybe I should just introduce these two. They can stand around in their underwear flexing their muscles at each other in a peculiar mating call that only brings in other douchebags.
Like this guy!
3) No profile pictures of people having sex
I am relatively sure the guy in this picture is not the guy whose entire profile consists of “Hello x,” because the guy in the picture, we can assume, at least had the mental faculty to present himself at a photo shoot and talk to the photographer about having his picture taken. I’m not sure “Hello x” has the mental faculty to talk to anything that’s not a carrot.
4) No run-on sentences.
My day’s been fine why can’t you grammar properly haha just kidding I’m actually not kidding.
5) No misusing ellipses.
“Nurse, we’re losing IQ points in the spaces between the periods. This patient needs a book on basic punctuation, stat.”
“Doctor! Our only punctuation book is being used by the run-ons guy!”
“Are we not a hospital?! DAMN THESE BUDGET CUTS.”
6) No giving me ridiculous names.
No I have not, li’l mister epictoolmonsterclaw.
7) No obvious serial killers looking for victims.
So you can kill me and leave my body in a field? I think not.
So you can kill me and leave my body in a Cornish field? I think not.
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
8) No marriage proposals.
Wow! Let’s run as fast and as far away from this one as possible!
8a) No I-Love-Yous.
8b) No “I-Love-Yous” followed by marriage proposals.
9) No unsolicited inspirational bullshit.
You were born with potential. The potential to talk to human beings. You failed, so now you get high and write for Buzzfeed to forget.
And finally–and I cannot believe I actually have to say this–10) No “adult babies” who wear diapers.
Stay tuned for future installments of Online Dating Ridiculousness. . . . . . .because there is so much of it.