Online Dating Ridiculousness, Part 3: Return of the Douches

First, there was Part 1, where in my sweet, sweet innocence, I dipped a toe into the black lagoon of online dating and thought: “Huh. This will be fun.” Then there was Part 2, The Online Dating Strikes Back, in which I discovered the lagoon was actually a poisonous cesspool for nuclear waste. Welcome to Part 3. This one has wookies, and by wookies, I mean small men in bear costumes whose social skills have tragically died in a fire.

21. No wookies
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Or what other explanation do you have for this?

22. No “ciao, bella!”s
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One: Never ask “why are you single?” Two: Never ask “why are you single?” a second time. And three, don’t be your own stereotype. Unless that works, in which case I’ll just start all my messages from here on out with “Howdy, partner!”

23. No opening with your phone number
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I mean, points for honesty, but Carl is lucky I’m a nice person and have no friends in London. Or else Carl would have repeatedly received calls from parties extremely interested in knowing whether his refrigerator was functioning.

24. No balls that are impossible to throw back
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What is the correct answer to this?
A) “Kay.”
B) “Thank you.”
C) “Only occasionally, while running from rapists or towards small children who have gotten into the knife drawer.”
D) Radio silence

25. No dramatics
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I love a clever bit of self-deprecation as much as the next person living in England, but this…this is a seven-year-old with the brain chemistry of a self-aware and tragically extroverted sloth. Who allowed this man on the internet? Take this bottle of Nardil and go stand in the corner.

26. No pretentious douchenozzles
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A woman with a sharp brain and a kind heart and an open mind? Hahahaha, bro, there’s no such thing as unicorns.

27. No stalkers
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I meant to click on the girl next to you who I’m pretty sure was topless in her picture, but something about you makes me want to tie you up and pee on you. Could it be fate? Are you my unicorn?”

28. No guys in the wrong place
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Ah. Guy thinks he wants this:
Actually wants this:
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It’s cool. Honest mistake.

29. No racist pickup lines?
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Because nothing says “sexy” like a good ol’ fashioned racial pejorative.

And finally…

30. No one who describes themselves like so:
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Online Dating Ridiculousness, Part 2: Things Get Worse

Remember this post when I chronicled how online dating has extended my list of reasons not to talk to people? Guess what–still single, still on the internet. So down the rabbit-hole we go, Alice!

11. No legitimately terrible messages
No terrible messages
Really, bro? It sounds like you just picked words out of a hat. I mean, I can do that too (Goat fine heyyy revolving his isn’t go away I hate you). But I don’t.

12. No guys who live in other countries
No guys far away
no guys far away 3
No guys far away 2
This seems like a really good way to completely defeat the purpose of dating.

13. No having really creepy handles
No creepy names copy
“Wow, this guy’s handle is a bit disturbing. Oh wait, no, look–he just wants new friends or someone to play tennis with! Goodness, I really need to stop being so judgmental.”

14. No icebreakers
No icebreakers
This isn’t freshman year of high school, and we’re not recent middle school graduates whose tentative social skills have been annihilated by hormones. But if we must, here’s mine: Who would scare me more if I were trapped in a room with them, you or Frenchfootlover?

15. No messages that are the OKCupid equivalent of a Facebook food picture
No OKC equivalents of a facebook food photo
How’s your morning been? I’m ignoring you.

16. No ridiculous questions
No ridiculous questions
A panic room in which I take shelter from the ridiculousness that is online dating. But like, a good one with chocolate and puppies and Chris Hemsworth.

17. No awkward introductions
No awkward intros copy
Can you imagine if we all talked like this? “Hello, I’m Tina, 27, 5’4, 112 pounds, no known allergies, 3.7 GPA in college, no debt, currently an intern, one time killed a turkey in my shower. Can you pass the orange juice, please?”

18. No being weird
*Turns tail and runs.*

19. No sending me ridiculously long messages that involve warnings and tips for dating you
No Tips for dating you
Ah. Guy thinks he wants this:
Actually wants this:
It’s cool, bro. Honest mistake.

And finally…

20. No leading with this:
No leading with this. copy

Online Dating Ridiculousness–Part I

In many ways, I don’t consider myself a (stereo)typical American. I speak another language, for example. I think war is silly and social health care is awesome. Guns and social conservatives scare me. Religious figures and meatloaf make me uncomfortable. But in one respect I am very, very American, and that is that I will talk to anyone.

Babies. Dogs. Trees. Tiny humans. Old humans. Humans in costume. Things that look like humans but aren’t. Strangers on the bus. Strangers on the train. Strangers on the plane. Strangers on the street. Strangers on bikes. Strangers with hair/makeup/clothing/shoes that I find admirable. It’s my superpower, my hobby, my greatest travel skill. In fact, I am so overenthusiastic about talking to people–and so clueless as to the possible consequences–that (as anyone who has ever traveled with me has soon discovered) I will talk myself into trouble in a heartbeat. Courtesy of sub-par language skills, I have accidentally told 15-year-olds that I would have sex with them and agreed to go on dates with mariachi musicians, narcos, and old men who want to go mushroom hunting. On occasion, I have been known to be so busy assuming the basic goodness of everyone around me that I have almost gotten tear-gassed.

So knowing this about me, you can see why I thought joining OKCupid would be a great idea.

“Dear Tina, WHY. Love, everyone.” Well everyone, I’ll tell you. After a few weeks in London, I still didn’t really have any friends and I wanted an excuse to get out of my room and talking to people. And yes, I’ve been single for a year and a half at this point, so I though “Why not?” If something comes of it, cool. If nothing comes of it, well, at least I got out of my room and talking to people.

Before I joined OKCupid, my criteria for talking to someone began at “not a douche” and ended at “has all their own teeth,” with the last one being fairly negotiable. OKCupid, however, has forced me to come up with a very long, very sad list of reasons not to talk to people. As the social equivalent of a 12-week-old puppy, this has made me a bit depressed, but the necessity is there and the struggle is real.

Welcome to Tina’s Arbitrary OKCupid Automatic Rejection List, Part I of many.

1) No one-word messages.
If you’re only going to message me one word, it had better be a pretty damn awesome word.
No one word messages 2
No one word messages
Actually, I was thinking more like “Xenomorph” or “Frigoriphic” or “Homunculus.”

2) No shirtless pics
No shirtless pics
Put it away, dude. Just put it away.
No Shirtless Pics 2
On second thought, maybe I should just introduce these two. They can stand around in their underwear flexing their muscles at each other in a peculiar mating call that only brings in other douchebags.

Like this guy!
3) No profile pictures of people having sex
No...guys with profile pictures of people having sex
I am relatively sure the guy in this picture is not the guy whose entire profile consists of “Hello x,” because the guy in the picture, we can assume, at least had the mental faculty to present himself at a photo shoot and talk to the photographer about having his picture taken. I’m not sure “Hello x” has the mental faculty to talk to anything that’s not a carrot.

4) No run-on sentences.
No run-ons
My day’s been fine why can’t you grammar properly haha just kidding I’m actually not kidding.

5) No misusing ellipses.
No guys misuing ellipses
“Nurse, we’re losing IQ points in the spaces between the periods. This patient needs a book on basic punctuation, stat.”
“Doctor! Our only punctuation book is being used by the run-ons guy!”
“Are we not a hospital?! DAMN THESE BUDGET CUTS.”

6) No giving me ridiculous names.
No ridiculous names
No I have not, li’l mister epictoolmonsterclaw.

7) No obvious serial killers looking for victims.
No serial killers looking for victims 2
So you can kill me and leave my body in a field? I think not.
No potential murderers 3 copy
So you can kill me and leave my body in a Cornish field? I think not.
No serial killers looking for victims

8) No marriage proposals.
No marriage proposals
Wow! Let’s run as fast and as far away from this one as possible!

8a) No I-Love-Yous.
No I love yous

8b) No “I-Love-Yous” followed by marriage proposals.
No i love yous followed by marriage proposals copy

9) No unsolicited inspirational bullshit.
No inspirational advice
You were born with potential. The potential to talk to human beings. You failed, so now you get high and write for Buzzfeed to forget.

And finally–and I cannot believe I actually have to say this–10) No “adult babies” who wear diapers.
No guys who wear diapers
Fuck off.

Stay tuned for future installments of Online Dating Ridiculousness. . . . . . .because there is so much of it.