Remember this post when I chronicled how online dating has extended my list of reasons not to talk to people? Guess what–still single, still on the internet. So down the rabbit-hole we go, Alice!
11. No legitimately terrible messages
Really, bro? It sounds like you just picked words out of a hat. I mean, I can do that too (Goat fine heyyy revolving his isn’t go away I hate you). But I don’t.
12. No guys who live in other countries
This seems like a really good way to completely defeat the purpose of dating.
13. No having really creepy handles
“Wow, this guy’s handle is a bit disturbing. Oh wait, no, look–he just wants new friends or someone to play tennis with! Goodness, I really need to stop being so judgmental.”
14. No icebreakers
This isn’t freshman year of high school, and we’re not recent middle school graduates whose tentative social skills have been annihilated by hormones. But if we must, here’s mine: Who would scare me more if I were trapped in a room with them, you or Frenchfootlover?
15. No messages that are the OKCupid equivalent of a Facebook food picture
How’s your morning been? I’m ignoring you.
16. No ridiculous questions
A panic room in which I take shelter from the ridiculousness that is online dating. But like, a good one with chocolate and puppies and Chris Hemsworth.
17. No awkward introductions
Can you imagine if we all talked like this? “Hello, I’m Tina, 27, 5’4, 112 pounds, no known allergies, 3.7 GPA in college, no debt, currently an intern, one time killed a turkey in my shower. Can you pass the orange juice, please?”
18. No being weird
*Turns tail and runs.*
19. No sending me ridiculously long messages that involve warnings and tips for dating you
Ah. Guy thinks he wants this:
Actually wants this:
It’s cool, bro. Honest mistake.
20. No leading with this:
OH FUCK OFF.