Online Dating Ridiculousness, Part 3: Return of the Douches

First, there was Part 1, where in my sweet, sweet innocence, I dipped a toe into the black lagoon of online dating and thought: “Huh. This will be fun.” Then there was Part 2, The Online Dating Strikes Back, in which I discovered the lagoon was actually a poisonous cesspool for nuclear waste. Welcome to Part 3. This one has wookies, and by wookies, I mean small men in bear costumes whose social skills have tragically died in a fire.

21. No wookies
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Or what other explanation do you have for this?

22. No “ciao, bella!”s
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One: Never ask “why are you single?” Two: Never ask “why are you single?” a second time. And three, don’t be your own stereotype. Unless that works, in which case I’ll just start all my messages from here on out with “Howdy, partner!”

23. No opening with your phone number
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I mean, points for honesty, but Carl is lucky I’m a nice person and have no friends in London. Or else Carl would have repeatedly received calls from parties extremely interested in knowing whether his refrigerator was functioning.

24. No balls that are impossible to throw back
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What is the correct answer to this?
A) “Kay.”
B) “Thank you.”
C) “Only occasionally, while running from rapists or towards small children who have gotten into the knife drawer.”
D) Radio silence

25. No dramatics
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I love a clever bit of self-deprecation as much as the next person living in England, but this…this is a seven-year-old with the brain chemistry of a self-aware and tragically extroverted sloth. Who allowed this man on the internet? Take this bottle of Nardil and go stand in the corner.

26. No pretentious douchenozzles
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A woman with a sharp brain and a kind heart and an open mind? Hahahaha, bro, there’s no such thing as unicorns.

27. No stalkers
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“!Hello,
I meant to click on the girl next to you who I’m pretty sure was topless in her picture, but something about you makes me want to tie you up and pee on you. Could it be fate? Are you my unicorn?”

28. No guys in the wrong place
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Ah. Guy thinks he wants this:
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Actually wants this:
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It’s cool. Honest mistake.

29. No racist pickup lines?
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Because nothing says “sexy” like a good ol’ fashioned racial pejorative.

And finally…

30. No one who describes themselves like so:
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OH FUCK OFF.